Gone Too Soon: Often Misunderstood, Pregnancy Loss Can Have Profound and Lasting Effects on Parents

This story appeared in “Little Rock Family” magazine and was awarded a national Gold Award for feature writing by the Parenting Publications of America (now Parenting Media Association).

By Susan Van Dusen

Melissa thought everything was fine. She was fast approaching 12 weeks of pregnancy, felt great and had already picked out a few baby names. This wasn’t a planned pregnancy, but after three years of marriage, the timing seemed right. Due in December, a Christmas baby would make the holiday season even more special for Melissa’s family. 

During her first office visit at 10 weeks, the doctor had failed to detect the baby’s heartbeat. It may just be too soon, the doctor said. She assured the couple that they would hear it next time. Melissa left the visit confident that her baby was growing stronger with each passing day.

Almost two weeks later, a trip to the bathroom revealed a dreaded sight — bright-red blood. The next few hours became a blur of emergency room doctors, ultrasound equipment, cold hospital beds and awkward silences. When the doctor finally said, “There’s no heartbeat,” Melissa already knew her baby was gone, and her life was changed forever. 

While the specific facts of Melissa’s story may be unique, the situation is all too common. About 15 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage during the first 12 weeks. Research also shows that almost 50 percent of all conceptions terminate on their own, most before the woman even knows she is pregnant. 

“No one can possibly understand, unless they’ve been through it,” said JoAnn Taylor, a grief counselor with Ozark Family Ministries in Mountain Home. Taylor lost two babies in the 1960s and has since become an advocate for grieving mothers. Her website, called Operation Angel, is just part of a wide-reaching online support network, offering everything from poems and personal-experience stories to specific ways to promote the healing process. 

In addition to her website, Taylor also provides comfort to women who come to her office and church by sending supportive emails (ofm@mtnhome.com). 

Earlier this year, Taylor was instrumental in getting Oct. 15 declared Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in Arkansas. Gov. Mike Huckabee was the first governor in the country to sign the proclamation, presented to him by Taylor to establish the day of remembrance. About 35 other governors have since followed suit. 

COPING WITH A LOSS

The women who come to Taylor for counseling have two primary concerns, she said. First, they want to know why the loss happened. Although there is often no definitive answer to that question, talking to someone who has gone through it encourages them, she said.

For women who experience pregnancy loss, especially those that occur before 20 weeks, the specific cause is often unknown. Reasons most likely stem from a variety of chromosomal abnormalities, according to Parentsplace.com, a website where medical professionals answer women’s health questions. 

Women who seek counseling from Taylor also want to know that their emotions, including anger and deep sadness, are normal. “I try to encourage them, that what they are feeling is normal … and there will be a day when they can think about their baby without crying,” she said. 

Taylor is keenly aware of the insensitive statements grieving parents often hear from friends and loved ones. 

“If you lost her husband, no one would tell you, ‘Well, you’re young, you can always get another one,’” she said. However, following a miscarriage, women are often told that they can have more children, they weren’t ready for parenthood or that it was God’s will for the pregnancy to end. 

“I don’t think people intentionally mean to hurt us. They just feel like they have to say something,” she said.

Susan and Bud Green of Little Rock experienced two miscarriages after trying for two years to conceive. 

“It was hard for us when people said, ‘You can always try again’ or ‘There will be another time.’ There really wasn’t a guarantee that there would be another time,” Susan said. 

Fortunately for the Greens they were able to have two successful pregnancies following their miscarriages and are now the parents of 7-year-old Grace and 3-year-old Gunnar.

Their earlier losses, especially the second pregnancy of twins, had a significant impact on the way they handled their subsequent pregnancies.

“I was definitely overcautious. Looking back, though, I don’t think there’s anything we could have done to affect the outcome of the pregnancies,” Susan said.

The second major concern Tayler hears from women is the frustration they feel about their own family’s failure to acknowledge their loss, she said.

Many women are met with silence, or are told to get over it and get on with their lives, she said. She encourages women to express their needs to their family. If they still don’t get adequate emotional support, they can go online or to a local support group for comfort. 

The Greens have made it a point to acknowledge pregnancy losses when they occur. Some people just want to move on, but others need more closure and support, Susan said. She and Bud have  joined friends for a memorial service and have helped other parents plant a tree in honor of their lost baby. The important thing is “just to acknowledge that there is a loss and really be there for them,” she said.

Another mission of Taylor’s work is to educate the public on how to help women who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy. “It is really different than any other kind of loss,” she said. While she has lived through numerous deaths in her own family, Taylor admits that no other death affected her like losing her babies. 

As part of her own healing process Taylor decided to name her babies, years after she experienced their loss. She encourages all couples to name their babies. Even if they did not know the baby’s sex. 

“Women just want to have their babies lives validated, and naming the naming process is a tangible way to do that,” she said.

SAYING GOODBYE

Emotional healing after a miscarriage is often hard to achieve for many reasons. Lacking a tangible way to say goodbye such as a funeral, or memorial service, parents are often left with an empty sadness.

Two local hospitals have made attempts in recent years to help families come to grips with their loss through services honoring their babies’ memory. 

St. Vincent Doctors Hospital and Baptist Health Medical Center in Little Rock have programs for couples who experienced a miscarriage before 20 weeks, or a stillbirth after 20 weeks. St Vincent’s program involves follow-up after discharge from the hospital, after the funeral service (if there is one), at four to six months, at one year from the due date, and at one year from the loss. 

The follow-up is especially important because a large percentage of mental illness is caused by unresolved grief, said Lynette Spruiell, coordinator of St Vincent’s Perinatal Loss Program. The follow-up call serves as a way for the hospital to be sure the mother is coping with her loss in a healthy way. 

St Vincent’s also offers a support group called Journey for both men and women. The group currently meets every other month, but will began monthly meetings in January. 

A monthly parent support group also meets a Baptist Health and offers parents a chance to discuss their loss with professionals and other parents, said Nancy Meneley, SHARE coordinator. SHARE is a nationally recognized pregnancy and infant loss support program utilized at Baptist. 

A unique and tangible way that St Vincent’s helps parents come to terms with pregnancy loss is through a monthly collective funeral service. The hospital averages 30 miscarriages and stillbirths each month, Spruiell said. Parents may choose to have a private service, she said, or they can have their baby placed in a tiny casket along with others. Spruill noted that for parents with an early-term miscarriage, it is difficult to find a funeral home willing to conduct a private service. 

Burials are held following a nondenominational service at Little Rock’s Calvary Cemetery. The Catholic Diocese of Little Rock, owners of the cemetery, have donated enough space for the hospital to conduct a burial each month for the next 16 years, Spruiell said. A funeral director and florist also donate their services.

The funeral service is not just for patients at St Vincent’s, Spruiell said. Anyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, either recently or years ago, can join other parents at the service. An annual memorial service scheduled for Nov. 1 is also open to any parent seeking closure for their loss. For more information, called St Vincent’sservices.

For more information about St. Vincent’s services, contact Spruiell at 603-6499 or lspruiell@stvincenthealth.com.

Baptist Health also conducts an annual memorial service to be held at 3 p.m. on Oct. 28 in the hospital’s Gilbreath Conference Center. All parents who have lost a baby at the hospital in the past year are invited, but others are welcome, Meneley said. The service includes an opportunity for parents to have their baby’s name read aloud as part of a short ecumenical service. The act of reading the name “shows respect for the babies that they really were part of these families, Meneley said. A balloon release follows the service. For more information about Baptist Health’s memorial service call 202-1770.

Sidebar

One Mother’s Story

Patti and Mark Bennett of Little Rock are the proud parents of three healthy children, but the road they traveled to get where they are was difficult from the start. 

A mere six months after getting married, the Bennetts were expecting their first child.  Patti, 29, and Mark, 34, were ready for the move to parenthood, Patti said. However, about six weeks into her pregnancy, Patti received the news that she had miscarried. The loss was a blow to the couple because “your hopes, dreams and desires start as soon as you find out you’re pregnant,” she said. 

Within a year Patty was pregnant again, only to lose that baby too. 

“Most doctors will tell you they don’t get concerned until you’ve had three miscarriages in a row. But after the second one, I said, I can’t emotionally go through this again,” she said.

 The couple sought the help of a specialist, hoping to find the cause for their losses, but a series of tests showed no physical problems. 

“What made it always frustrating to me, is that they couldn’t give me an answer,” she said.

Before attempting her third pregnancy, Patti began hormone therapy. That pregnancy resulted in the successful birth of a healthy baby girl named Caitlin, now 6 years old. 

With one happy ending under their belts, the Bennetts decided to add to their family again. Patti continued the hormone therapy and quickly considered a fourth time, only to miscarry a third time. Her fifth pregnancy brought news of identical twins. However, after reaching 13 weeks, those babies were lost. 

Although just a toddler at the time, Caitlin was aware of Patti’s pregnancy with twins. When Caitlin asked when the babies would arrive, “I told her that babies weren’t coming yet, but that we will have babies someday,” Patti said. 

Her words came true when soon afterward she conceived again and gave birth to twins, Elizabeth and Andrew. 

The experience of having four miscarriages “made us realize how precious life is. I think a lot of people take for granted when they have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. It’s not as easy as it seems,” she said. 

Many people also don’t understand the depth of sorrow felt by both parents following the loss of a baby. Her husband, Mark, “was as sad as I was,” Patti said. She also feels deeply about the importance of working through the grief process. 

“It can be as devastating for someone who lost a baby at six weeks as someone who lost one at three months,” she said. 

Because they had been married for only six months at the time if their first miscarriage, some family members told them, “You don’t need a baby yet, anyway,” Patti said. And following her fourth and fifth pregnancies, people ask why they would even try for a second child when they already had a normal, healthy daughter.

“I’d say that I’m grateful for her, but I still have a desire for another child,” she said. 

Looking back on her experience, Patti believes that perhaps a greater good can come from her sorrow, whether it be a stronger faith in God, the ability to help others in the same situation or a deeper appreciation of her three children. Still the experiences remain an important part of her identity. 

“It’s just not something you forget,” she said.